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Mama SRL

violent child

Copil violent

De cand copilul meu socializeaza cu alti copii, am observat diferite situatii in jurul meu, situatii de copil violent, sunt probleme si dificultati pentru mame pornind de la experientele copiilor. Asa ca am decis sa vorbesc despre cateva din problemele observate cu un profesionist care lucreaza cu copii, psiholog Ileana Martini (http://centrultalktalk.ro/ileana-iliescu/). A vazut cazuri diferite si poate extrage esenta problemei in situatiile aduse in discutie si poate aceste discutii ajuta cativa parinti aflati in impas. Am organizat cateva teme despre care sa vorbim o data pe saptamana asa ca luam situatiile pe rand. 

Primul interviu este despre copilul violent in varsta de pana la 6 ani. Am observat ca, pe masura ce depasesc varsta de 2 ani, copiii incep sa aiba tantrumuri si sa isi dezvolte personalitatea. Asa ca incep sa nu mai imparta jucarii, sa se lupte pentru teritoriu si posesiune si sa planga atunci cand nu sunt ascultati. Ascultarea se refera la obedienta adultilor sau copiilor. Si in toate manifestarile lor descoperim un anumit tip de violenta, care incepe de la ranirea propriului lor corp, la imbrancirea altui copil pentru stabilirea unei suprematii si pana la gesturi ceva mai clar violente. Daca uneori e de ajuns sa ii lasam in pace ca sa inteleaga ca au drepturi, dar nu sunt inca ei “seful”, alteori este necesar sa le explicam cum sa relationeze pentru a se integra mai bine in societate. Si Ileana a exemplificat din propria observatie cel mai bine ce trebuie sa ne intrebam in anumite situatii si la ce sa fim atenti pentru a creste un pui de om cu care sa ne intelegem bine si mai tarziu. E dificil si poate ca anii astia sunt cumva ceva mai grei, dar cu putina indrumare poate vom ramane cu amintirile cele mai frumoase despre prima etapa din copilarie. Un copil violent nu este iremediabil asa. El poate fi ajutat sa inteleaga unde sa isi canalizeze excesul de energie. 

Si acum iata mai jos despre ce am vorbit noi doua.

violent child

Ce cauze pot determina manifestari violente in cazul unui copil atat de mic?

Cauzele care pot determina un comportament violent la un copil atat de mic pot fi atat de factori genetici (cum ar fi mostenirea genetica a trasaturilor de caracter sau a trasaturilor biochimice – cantitatile de adrenalina sau noradrenalina secretata si autoregularea lor), precum si prezenta modelului comportamental din mediul in care traieste. Cand ne referim la mediu, vorbim despre familia din care face parte copilul, de relatiile interpersonale si sociale la care este expus, si nu in ultimul rand, la tipul de continut din media la care “este lasat” sa se uite (spre exemplu – canalul de desene Cartoon Network de specificat – desene violente, care nu sunt recomandate unor copii sub o anumite varsta pentru ca puterea lor de intelegere este mult mai mica). Familia din care fac parte si mediul la care sunt expusi (social si media) sunt exemplele cele mai puternice pentru un copil. Deasemenea, as adauga ca factori determinanti valorile si credintele familiei, care reprezinta mulajele modelelor lor comportmantale.

Ce relationare stabileste un copil violent intr-un grup de copii?

Evident un copil violent impacteaza negativ dinamica unui grup de copii in sensul in care stimuleaza reactii conflictuale sau devine de regula agresorul grupului aparand fenomenul de bullying.

Ce spera sa obtina un copil prin violenta?

Copilul initial imita comprtamentul violent, iar ulterior, observa ca obtine anumite rezultate (contingente comportamentale): poate obtine autoritate sau chiar sa se simta temut, chiar si laude din partea parintilor sau a familiei. Referitor la acest subiect, din pacate din experienta mea clinica, cu tristete pot sa relatez ca multe familii isi incurajau copiii catre un comportament agresiv si poate mai violent in speranta de a fi “un supravietuitor” si un “leader”. Statsticile ne arata ca nivelul educational joaca un rol determinant in promovarea unui astfel de comportament. Unui copil caruia i se inoculeaza de catre mediu (familie, social si prin media – la varsta lor prin intermediul desenelor animate) ca violenta este un comportament dezirabil, are toate sansele sa il urmeze toata viata.

Pana unde definesti violenta si unde este limita tantrumului la varste de pana la 5-6 ani si unde incepe agresivitatea?

Putem trasa limita dintre cele doua in functie de caracterul, intensitatea si frecventa episoadelor de “razvratire”. Copiii care au un nivel scazut al tolerantei la frustrare sau ale caror reactii de acest tip au fost incurajate prin obtinerea unor rezultate pozitive sunt mai predispusi sa transforme crizele de tantrum in crize de agresivitate. Caracterul agresivitatii este orientat catre a face rau cuiva sau siesi, pe cand primele tantrum-uri apar, de obicei, incepand cu varsta 2-3 ani, atunci cand copiii isi dezvolta propria constiinta si “dorintele mele”, insa prea mic pentru a stii cum sa-si satisfaca aceste nevoi. Copilul are un nivel energetic crescut si inca nu stie sa formuleze verbal dorintele si nevoile sale. 

Avand in minte romanul “Imparatul mulstelor” ma gandesc de unde vine nevoia de violenta? 

In “Imparatul mustelor” stiu ca se pune problema daca lipsa restrictilor si a regulilor la copii este ok. Clar violenta intr-o oarecare masura ne-a folosit drept unealta de supravietuire pe langa alte animale fioroase si amenintatoare, insa asa cum intreb eu deseori parintii: “pentru ce vrem sa ii pregatim? Pentru jungla sau pentru o societate civilizata cu reguli si respect?

Ce efect are alimentatia in hiperactivitatea unui copil?

Hiperactivitatea este de regula asociata cu tulburarea de hiperactivitate si deficit de atentie, o afectiune neurobiological manifestata prin lipsa de concentrare in orice tip de activitate si impulsivitate crescuta, afectand domeniile principale din viata, familial, scolar, social. Stabilirea diagnosticului se realizeaza in urma unui riguros diagnostic diferential si al concluziei ca nu este o REACTIE la mediu, alimentatie si familie. De multe ori, diagnosticul este pus eronat si mai rau, este recomandata medicatia in situatii in care nu avem ADHD vera. Hiperactivitatea si deficitul de atentie pot fi, dupa cum subliniam mai devreme, o reactie a alimentatiei deficitare – dulciuri, sucuri sau daca sunt expusi la ecran (tableta, jocuri, tv, calculator, etc). As vrea sa atrag atentia insistent ca majoritatea nu cunosc, nu sunt constienti de efectele periculoase ale ecranului si ale dulciurilor (nu ma refer la consumul ocazional sau foarte mic zilnic si nici la utilizarea responsabila a ecranului). Daca unii parinti au inteles efectele negative, multi bunici fac parte dintr–o categorie de “risc” la expunerea lor, dar mai ales a nepotilor la tablete, telefoane si tv cu orele. 

Ce inseamna psihic pentru copil introducerea in colectivitate?

Cele mai importante aspecte sunt: inceperea propriei vieti sociale, confruntarea cu autoritate sau autoritati, testarea limitelor sociale, stimulare in dezvoltare cognitiva si emotionala, antrenarea tolerantei la frustrare si emotii negative.

E vreo diferenta intre violenta la baieti si la fete?

Personal, nu cred… poate violenta este “mai verbala” si baietii sunt mai predispusi la violenta fizica.

Aceasta discutie nu pune etichete, ci doreste doar sa explice cateva situatii cu care poate va intalniti la locul de joaca sau in cadru institutional (cresa sau gradinita). Concluziile cred ca pot fi trase usor din cele de mai sus. Cel mai mult ma bucura explicatia ampla data diagnosticului de hiperactivitate. Asta pentru ca am avut intre cunostintele mele cazuri de copii diagnosticati eronat de educatori ca avand ADHD. Si mi se pare ca e necesar sa fim atenti la foarte multe aspecte din viata copilului inainte de a trage o concluzie, pastrandu-ne cat putem echidistanta, chiar daca suntem parinti. E greu sa judecam propriul pui intrucat ne vedem cumva pe noi in el si incercam sa traim o noua copilarie din care sa eliminam ce am resimtit noi ca fiind negativ. E bine totusi sa reusim sa ne detasam si sa dam la o parte propriile frustrari pentru a creste un copil echilibrat si sociabil intr-o lume tot mai aglomerata de oameni. 

violent child

The Violent Child

Ever since my kid started socializing with other kids, I started to notice different situations around me, situations which involve a violent kid, problems and difficulties for mothers determined by their kids experiences. So I have decided to talk about some of these problems with a professional working with kids and a mother herself, psychologist Ileana Iliescu (http://centrultalktalk.ro/ileana-iliescu/). Si has observed difference cases and can take out the essence of the problem in the cases I have brought up and maybe this chat can help a few parents in trouble. I have organized different themes to talk about once a week so we take things one at a time.  

First interview is about the violent kid younger than the age of 6. I have noticed that as the kids overcome the age of 2, they start having tantrums and develop their personality. So they begin to stop sharing their toys, to fight for territory and possesion and to cry when they are not listened to. Listening means adults’ or other kids’ are obedient to their wishes. And in all their manifestations we see a certain kind of violence, which starts from hurting their own body, to pushing another kid for establishing their supremacy and to some gestures which clearly show a different level of violence. If sometimes it’s enough to let them be to understand that they have freedom, but they are not yet “the boss”, other times it’s imperative to explain how to relate to others in order to integrate better in society. And Ileana has so professionally exemplified from her own observation what we need to question and what we need to pay attention to in certain situations to raise a human baby without ulterior frustrations now and later. It’s hard and maybe these years are the most difficult, but with a little guidance maybe we can keep the best memories about the first part of childhood.  

Below is the full chat we had:

What are the causes that can determine a violent behaviour at such an early age?

The causes that can determine violent behaviour in such a small kid can be of genetic nature (such as genetic heritage of some personality or biochemical features – measures of secreted and self regulation of epinephrine or norepinephrine), as well as the behavioural model of the social group he lives in. When we are referring to environment, we are talking about family, interpersonal and social relations he is exposed to, and lastly of the media time he is allowed to watch (for example – Cartoon Network channel which needs to mark violent cartoon as such, which are not recommended to kids below a certain age because their power of understanding is much limited at that time). The family they are part of and the environment they are exposed to (social and media) are the strongest example for a kid. Also, I would add determining factors such as values and family beliefs, which represent most of their copied behavioral pattern.

What relationship settles a violent kid among a group of kids?

Obviously the violent kid impacts the dynamic of the group which means he stimulates conflicting reactions or becomes the bully of the group – therefore the bullying phenomenon.

What does a violent kid hope to achieve by his acts?

The child initial immitates the violent behaviour, and later, he notices there are certain outcomes (behavioural contingencies): maybe he can win authority or even feel fearless, maybe even admiration from his parents or the family members. About these sort of events, unfortunately from my clinical experience, sadly I can say many families were encouraging their kids towards an aggressive behaviour and maybe even more violent in the hope to become a “survivor” and a “leader”. Statistics show that the level of education plays a determining role in promoting such a behaviour. A kid who is taught by the environment (family, social or media – at their age through cartoons) that violence is a desired behaviour, has many chances to be a violent one for the rest of his life.

How would you define violence and how do you tell tantrum below the age of 5 or 6 years and where does aggressiveness start?

We can draw limits between the two depending on the personality of the child, the intensity and frequency of the “revolt” episodes. Children who have a low level of tolerance for frustration or whose violent reactions have been encouraged by getting positive outcomes are more likely to turn tantrums into aggressive behaviour. The character of their aggressiveness is oriented to hurting someone or self, while the first tantrums begin usually around 2-3 years old, when the kids are developing the self counscienness and “desires”, but they are still too young to know how to get himself what he wishes for. The child has a high energy level and he still doesn’t know how to speak up his wishes and needs.  

With “Lord of the Flies” in mind, I am wondering where does the need for violence come from? 

In “Lord of the Flies” I know there is the matter of whether cutting out rules and restrictions for kids is ok. Clearly violence in a certain degree has been used as a tool for survivor next to the fearful and threatening creatures. Still I often ask the parents: what are we preparing the little ones for? For the jungle or for a civilized society with rules and respect?

What effect does the food have on the hyperactive behaviour of a child?

Hyperactive behaviour is usually associated with ADHD, a neurobiological disorder which shows lack of concentration on any type of activity and higher degree of impulsiveness, clearly affecting the main fields of life, family, school, social relations. Establishing this diagnostique is made after a rigurous differential diagnostic process and the conclusion that this is not a reaction to the environment, nutrition and family. Many times the diagnostic is wrong and, even worse, medication is recommended in situations where we don’t really have ADHD.  Hyperactivity and deficit of attention can be, as I was mentioning earlier, a reaction to the bad nutrition – sweets, juices or if is exposed to the screens of the tablet, tv games, tv, computer etc.) I would like to insist that most of us don’t know, we are not aware of the dangerous effects of the screen and sweets (I am not talking occasional or very small daily use or the responsable use of screen). If some parents have seen the negative sides, many grandparents are part of a risky categroy for the little one’s exposure, especially when it comes to grandchildren watching tablets, phones and tvs many hours.

What are the implications of introducing a kid to a group?

The most important aspects are: begining of their own social life, facing authority or authorities, testing their social limitations, cognitive and emotional stimulation, challenging their frustration toleration and negative emotions.

Is there any difference between violence in girls and the one in boys?

Personally, I don’t think so… maybe violence is more verbal in girls and the boys are more into physical violence.

This conversation does not label, but the whole purpose is only to explain a few situations which you may encounter at the playground or in more institutionalized circumstances (daycare or kindergarten). The conclusions I believe are easy to draw based on the notes above. My biggest joy is the complex explanation for the hyperactivity which is so common these days. And my joy comes from the personal acquaintance with wrongly labeled as ADHD for smart kids by their educators. And I also find it necessary to pay attention to many aspects of a child’s life before drawing such a conclusion, keeping our distance when judging even if we are the parents. It’s hard to judge our own baby as we see ourselves in him above all and we try to live a new childhood from which we can take out what we have felt as negative influence. It’s good if we can detach ourselves for a bit and take out personal frustrations to grow a truly balanced and sociable child in a world which is getting even more crowded with people.

violent child

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