Mama SRL

How do you define life? How can you love life better? Dear granny, since I have the little one, I have discovered that it is actually better to tell the child about everything and anything. And without realizing it, I defined myself how I can better educate my child so that he knows how to love life more beautifully. It takes both good and bad to be able to appreciate the moments of peace, happiness, kindness.

In 2012 I lost my grandmother on a day when love is celebrated. It was no surprise to the family as we all expected this. It was her age and it was the disease she was suffering from. And grandmother had long been preparing for her „departure.” Dear grandmother, she already had the plan paid for for the next seven years of alms. Impressive to me. Anyway, the whole experience was painful. That’s because it wasn’t until I was 30 that I got to see everything that death entails. Until then, I was safe from the loss of a loved one, funerals and any other less pleasant events. Now in 2020 I realize that you need to teach the little ones, with decency and without outdated habits, what their whole life means. Yes, we have losses and it is okay to mourn a lost man, but it is not okay to hide from the little ones that this part exists. Of course I do not want to make the child kiss the dead as it is the custom in Orthodoxy, but it is okay to teach our children that there is death and that sometimes there is suffering. You come to love life better when you understand its complexity.

The loss of granny meant for me the closing of a chapter full of memories and life teachings which no one can take from me. The house with a garden, the small studio she was living in her last years, the balanced walk, the small dotted sewing on the cotton, the way she laughed at my stories and especially the strong religious believe and her lack of mean thoughts are exactly the elements that made me love her. To get a little used to the loss, I have put my conclusions in writing for a few days after her loss, these lines helped me cope with her departure.

Dear granny, I lived to see a dead man only at the age of 30. It was impressive and I don’t know if I realize where you are yet. I felt the need to start writing to you so I could say everything I feel or think. It was peaceful and we all thought it was nicer to let you go as quiet as you wanted to live. We also had a bit of sun. The sun melted some of the ice as we had full snow fallen the last days. And even though we all froze from the cold, we resisted and listened to the priest’s sermon, which was very beautiful. He spoke very nicely and taught us, those of us who don’t go to church much, about what we need to do to lead a balanced life as I call it. This priest managed to impress me in the context in which I am hard to impress. I hope I shared everything you would have liked to give away. I hope everything was as you would have imagined. I do not want to upset you. I tried to mourn. At least 2 days. I was not prepared with black clothes because I like colors and shades. I’ll try to wear at least something black. I will now let you settle into the new house with the garden.

Dear Granny, since you left this world, I have tried to define Heaven in my mind. I think I’m trying to regain control in an issue where I can’t have it. I try to have the feeling that everything is under my control. It’s wrong, I know. And that’s why I want to write and tell you about these thoughts. I know that by writing about them I will be able to get rid of the obsession with this control. And maybe in this way I will be able to let God lead on. It is very difficult to define in words everything that’s going on in my mind. It is very difficult to regain control of my own life after losing it so suddenly. And it’s weird that my soul tells me you’re quiet and calm where you are. It’s a peace I feel in an empathetic way, even though you’re no longer here to tell me if you’re well, if you’re in pain, or if you’re missing something. I hope you get to transmit that from where you are even further. I miss you. It’s hard for me to accept that I won’t be able to call and hear you, but I am convinced that God will reward you with a better place than the tumult and agitation here on earth. And because the space is infinite, I think you won’t be as suffocated by the city crowd. Thank you for listening and I hope to have some more inspiration next time.

Dear Granny, today I resumed my walks on foot, ignoring the mud and dirt in the city. I decided it was time to try to get out there and live. I did this remembering the smile on your face when you saw me and it worked. I listened to the disturbing noises of the street with optimism and a power to fight the normal life. I continued to walk even though it was slippery, I continued to walk even though I did it through puddles and I discovered that beyond the dirt and snow we see, there is beauty. I began to forget about your image in the coffin and I began to capitalize on my memories with you laughing, with you holding my hand and with you who always told me that God has a way of putting things back on their rightful path. And His correctness always seems to make sense. I remember walking through the mud, the garden in the yard, the garden behind or in front of the block, the autumn celebrations in the courtyard of the block, Mickey forgotten in a tram on our walks, the subway ride with you and many other beautiful moments. So I decided that I had rediscovered a purpose and a reason to move on in life: for you and for the teachings you gave me. Thank you for all this and I hope that where you are there is a better, more beautiful, greener and more hopeful place than the one you met here.

Dear Granny, I learned from you how important it is to pray. I hope to be able to face this new challenge of accepting your passage into the world of which I know nothing and which my rational mind will never be able to perceive. I lit four floating candles and try as much as possible to do good things to bring something beautiful to the world every day. I don’t think I can do enough every day. I hope that the day will be long enough so that I can do everything I intend. Since you are no longer with us, my father takes things much easier as they are. It’s as if he has lost the exigency he used to show us all. Or maybe you told him from up there that he must be good. And I think he’s just listening to you now. I miss you, granny. It’s hard for me to open up my soul even on a piece of paper. I hope I don’t lose any of the multiple memories with you, but I’m afraid that if I put them on paper, I’ll forget them. And I don’t want to forget. I want to remember every smile, every rebuke, every pause and every word you ever showed me. Nothing has to leave my mind … Sincerely, your granddaughter

Dear Granny, I understood today that you have passed and that you are better where you are. I got a sign that I’m doing something right. And I feel sorry for the people who are suffering these days because they no longer have morphine. They have cancer. It’s a disease you can talk about. It seems unfair to me. It seems unfair to me what happens to the poor people. It is a cruel, unjust disease, the causes of which are still inexplicable and I can only suffer deeply for what is happening now. I know you would have been very upset if you had lived to see these moments. I wish I could do something for these people. I would like to know and have the power to conceive a medicine that would take the pain of these poor people. It’s inhuman! I realize there are too many of us, but I think we need to find another way to diminish the planet, not this way. It is unfair to let a man become a piece of rotten meat when you can do something to reduce their suffering. It’s good that you didn’t get to see such news!

Dear granny, today I started work again. I had an urge to finish all as soon as possible, but it took me a long time to get to work and on the way all kinds of remorse took over. I found peace thanks to the fact that you are no longer in pain and that you are fine where you are, but now I feel that I am losing you, I feel like I am starting to forget about you and that it is difficult for me to get over this moment. Then I realize that most of the time you were in your world. I think, without trying to reproach you with anything, that your rather petty possession obsession has turned into a disease. And I think it would have been much easier if you had let things go the way they come. I know that at certain moments in my life I also had this problem and I thought that by owning stuff, I would be able to cling to life, but in fact I learned that obsession and things do not make me feel better, on the contrary. And that’s how I realized one day that things don’t really work for us and that’s not how we should lead our lives.

On Sunday we left the house with the thought of wandering through the neighborhood, and a 10-year-old child appeared in our way, pulling hard on some bags with plastic bottles that he was carrying on some wooden boxes. He was concerned that the load would fall off and he impressed me. I went and gave him some money hoping that this way I would bring his smile back to his face, but I didn’t succeed. And I realized that such a child might get far because the way he gets involved in what he does. Or maybe he’ll just be able to thank some stingy bosses. In any case, I am convinced that his soul and the dedication with which he does things will succeed in bringing him a lot of happiness. I was trying to tell you that I did a good deed and that I did it because I know how much you loved children. I want to have you still with us to help me regain my confidence that your prayer will help me find my peace of mind… It’s hard for me to know that I don’t have anyone to call and anyone to enjoy hearing my voice. It’s hard for me to accept that you’re no longer with us. I miss you. And I’m sorry that you didn’t have the lucidity to be able to stay with these stories … I miss you because you were the one who taught me many things when I was little. I try to keep my memories alive. I don’t want to lose anything and I worry everything will soon be forgotten. And I don’t want that. I know that’s what you always told me was going to happen. But, as you know me, I don’t want to let the ordinary lead me into life. You are one of the people who have left their mark on my life and that is why I try not to forget anything about you. I miss you.

Dear granny, I turned off the music this morning to listen to the song of the ducks and the seagulls on the Dambovita river.

Dear granny, I try to channel some of my energy to develop my creativity and I try not to stumble over the sad part of life. I consider that when I manage to channel my energy to something I like, I manage to do things very well. And that’s why I try to push my brain to work and I observe everything that is beautiful and sensitive so that I can put it into words. And I send the words to you. I drove through rush hour traffic today and I tried to keep calm and not to get angry. I had enough time to get to the office, it was nothing stressful, I had not slept for 8 hours, but I am convinced that I could go on in the day without losing this calm and without the proper hours of sleep. I’ll get that hour of sleep back, I promise.

It took me a while to get over my grandmother’s disappearance, but in the end I managed to overcome it and find answers to my own grievances. The answers helped me make life-changing decisions. And I think we have to live with the good and the bad so that we can really live and avoid the shock of a sudden change. For example, from the beginning of this pandemic I do not complain that we had to stay in the house, to hurry when we passed the playground, to take the child in the car and the toys in my arms. Life is as it is! We have to adapt to change. It is better to embrace change and accept the novelty of the situation in order to live fully.
Dear Granny, there are so many things I learned late, but your loss made me cry and learn so many good things.