Cum sa ne alegem mai bine bataliile
Un copil vine cu multe plansete din motive mai mult sau mai putin intemeiate. Are momente in care lasa buzita de jos si incepe sa planga din senin. Bataliile sunt toate acele conflicte in care pare ca refuzul nostru ca parinti este o tragedie pentru el. Poate trai fara suzeta pentru o vreme, apoi poate sa faca o drama din lipsa ei printr-un planset puternic. Desi sunt multe obiceiuri sau momente de santaj in care cei mici profita, consider ca e o tactica cum sa ne alegem mai bine bataliile cu ei pentru a le oferi confort chiar si atunci cand actionam impotriva vointei lor. Spre exemplu, cand mergem la plimbare si fiul meu se urca entuziasmat pe bicicleta sau ma ia de mana si ma trage dupa el, dar pentru o plimbare in parc trebuie sa ajungem acolo cu tricicleta sau caruciorul fara sa il stresez prea tare cand il pun in el. Si atunci suzeta devine foarte utila. Consider ca putem renunta la ea mai tarziu, dar pe moment ii ofera un confort magic intr-o posibila batalie.
Cand am inceput sa simt ca fiul meu ma santajeaza am descoperit si partea puternica a fiintei mele in care pot si eu folosi santajul. Nu stiu daca m-am folosit de santaj de multe ori in viata, dar cu siguranta nu prea imi sta in fire sa fac asta. Totusi, de cand am ramas insarcinata, am stiut ca voi fi vulnerabila in fata copilului. Cum se apropie de varsta de doi ani incerc sa ii arat unde greseste sau sa ii sugerez cu mult calm ce ar trebui sa faca in anumite situatii. Incerc sa evit crizele pe care inteleg ca le are la varsta lui. Inteleg ca intre doi si patru ani este perioada critica in care incep sa isi dezvolte personalitatea. Imi doresc ca el sa creasca fara prea multe frustrari, sa inteleaga ce inseamna o decizie a lui si daca aceasta are urmari, care sunt acelea.
A invatat ca daca varsa apa pe jos se creeaza un alunecus de toata frumusetea si daca va calca acolo poate sa cada si sa se loveasca cu capul de podea. A reusit sa cada de doua ori in urma unor balti facute prin casa pe gresie sau parchet. Asa ca orice pata de lichid pe jos creeaza acum o amintire dureroasa si stie ca trebuie sa o evite. O lectie bine invatata pentru o ambitie de a varsa lichide pe jos. Astfel am incurajat personalitatea lui, dar a invatat o lectie dura de urmari a propriilor actiuni. In aceasta situatie nu am simtit nevoia sa ma lupt mai departe pentru a dovedi ca am dreptate, l-am lasat sa isi demonstreze singur ca am dreptate.
Intr-o zi a reusit sa se urce singur pe propriul scaun de masa si apoi la a doua tentativa a fost teribil de frustrat cand a descoperit nivelul ridicat al scaunului. Caci nu e asa? Nu poti lasa copilul sa pice de pe scaunul lui Nuna intrucat a facut deja buf de pe scarita Ikea cu cateva zile inainte. Prea mult design suedez i se urca la cap, clar. Asa ca a inceput sa se tavaleasca pe jos incercand sa se dea cu capul de pamant de frustrare. Ei bine, eram si eu pe podea sa atenuez lovitura, asa ca oriunde incerca sa pice ca sa ma impresioneze nimerea pe mine. S-a frustrat si mai tare si a inceput sa arunce cu propriile jucarii. Apoi a capitulat inconjurat de jucariile sale. A fost unul din acele momente in care am decis sa nu renunt la aceasta batalie. As fi putut sa il las sa se mai urce un pic, dar totusi, nici nu i-a trecut bine vanataia de pe obraz si ar fi avut inca una. Asa ca am ales sa imi mentin intentia de a nu se mai catara pana nu are un echilibru bun in picioare. Totusi l-am consolat in durerea si frustrarea lui maxima cu imbratisari. Sunt sigura ca va mai incerca escaladari, dar va stii ca nu reactionez la santajul tantrelor sale si poate va cantari mai bine urmarile actiunilor sale.
Uneori trebuie sa gasesc o cale de “convingere” chiar si pentru a-i taia unghiile. Are deja o personalitate puternica, iar incapatanarea il face si mai rau. Totusi am folosit santajul biberonului cu lapte pentru a obtine acceptul lui pentru taierea unghiilor. Nu este cel mai corect, dar altfel nu aveam putere de convingere a jucausului ca ii vreau binele.
In parc obisnuia sa ia obiectele copiilor si sa fuga cu ele. Acum am reusit sa depasim acea perioada: le imprumuta, face schimb cu ce are el ca sa le ia pe ale altor copii. A invatat ca este sustinut si in demersul sau de a testa noi jucarii daca si el intelege ca trebuie sa le cedeze inapoi adevaratului proprietar. La un moment dat mi-am dat seama ca si daca ii iau cea mai frumoasa bicicleta tot vor fi mai bune cele din parc. Plus ca imi doresc sa isi doreasca si sa munceasca sa obtina ceva mai bun. Altfel, va deveni un copil rasfatat si nu imi doresc asta. Imi doresc foarte tare sa inteleaga ca nu tot ce vede si isi doreste poate fi al sau. Am incercat cu imbratisari si multe explicatii sa il fac sa inteleaga de ce anumite jucarii nu pot merge cu el acasa. Acum pare ca intelege doar din vorbe cand nu e cazul sa insiste retinerea unor jucarii.
La baie seara am invatat ca trebuie sa oprim apa pentru ca altfel ramanem fara apa calda. Si desi nu e tocmai departe de realitate ce spun, am decis sa folosesc acest argument pentru ca exista un beculet care licare si care ii atrage atentia lui. Ei bine, asta seara pe cand eu goleam cada si apoi urma sa o reumplu pentru baita lui, micutul mi-a aratat sus beculetul rezervorului atentionandu-ma ca se va termina resursa. Bravo pustiule! Esti cel mai tare! Mami face exceptii. Nu puteam sa ii explic ca nivelul crescut al apei de fapt era problema in cada si ca acest nivel ma face sa opresc apa. Pericolul pentru el nu era la fel de fascinant precum beculetul. Imi place cand il vad cum gandeste situatiile si intelege prin legaturi anumite concepte. Inseamna ca nu pot sa il desconsider si ca trebuie cu mare atentie sa negociez preluarile sau cedarile.
Si daca uneori santajul functioneaza, alte dati este cazul sa nu apelez la el pentru ca se va intoarce impotriva mea. Stie ca iese pe usa afara daca ia vitaminele. Daca incerc sa i le dau inainte de iesirea pe usa, se duce si se face comod in casuta lui de joaca. Deci e important sa ne alegem cu atentie bataliile in care folosim santajul si mai ales momentul. Se poate sa nimerim un moment in care poate renunta la propriile dorinte.
Incerc sa il invat ca, indiferent daca are dreptate sau nu, uneori in viata trebuie sa cedeze. Acum incerc sa gasesc limita unde trebuie sa cedeze si unde nu. Caci ma gandesc ca nu pot sa ii fac dreptate mereu, ca nici el nu este mereu corect, ca nu pot sa il invat sa fie cel mai fraier, dar ca imi doresc sa fie echilibrat si sa isi dea seama ce valoreaza batalia pe care o duce. Adica scopul final si ce i-ar putea aduce castigarea ei. Poate va castiga masinuta pe care si-o doreste, dar nu va mai avea prietenia acelui copil si asa mai departe. Consider ca bataliile lui si ale noastre trebuie cantarite cu atentie. Cu suzeta sau fara, cu crize cat mai putine, e cel mai bine sa ne alegem bine bataliile si sa invatam ca uneori e bine sa ii lasam sa isi faca propriile mofturi, caci si daca gresesc tot vor invata ceva din asta.
Choose Your Battles Right
A baby comes with a lot of crying from various reasons. He has moments when he just drops his lower lip and begins to cry out of the blue. Battles are all those conflicting moments when our refusal as parents may seem a real tragedy to him. He may live without the pacifier and then to make a sudden drama out of that with a strong cry. Although there are many habits and blackmail sessions, I believe we have to pick our battles right when we want to soothe them, but still act against their will. For example, when take him to a proper walk in the park I need to take the trike or stroller to get there and that means I need to put him in without too much hassle. That is when the pacifier comes in handy. I believe we can lose it later, but for the moment it gives him a magic comfort in a possible battle.
When I started to feel my son is blackmailing me I also discovered my strong side where I can use also blackmail. I don’t know if I have used blackmail many times in my life, but certainly it’s not really me to do so. Still, since I got pregnant I knew I will become vulnerable in front of my child. As he is coming close to two years old I am trying to show where he is wrong or to suggest him very calmly what he should do under certain circumstances. I am trying to avoid the crises which I understand he has at his age. I understand between two and four years old it is his critical period when they begin to develop their personality. I wish for him to grow up without many frustrations, to understand what one of his decisions means and if this has any repercussions, what are those.
He has learned that if he spills water on the floor he creates a beautiful slide and if he steps in it he may fall and hit his head against the floor. He managed to fall twice due to such puddles made around the house on the tiles or wooden floor. So any liquid on the ground creates now a painful memory and he knows he must avoid it. A lesson well learned for an ambition to spill liquids on the ground. This way I have encouraged him to do things, but he has learned his actions may cause reactions. I didn’t feel the need to fight him for my thoughts to prove him I am right, I have allowed him prove himself I am right.
One day he managed to climb himself up his own feeding chair and for his second tentative he was terribly frustrated when he discovered the higher level of the chair. Shouldn’t it be so? Well, you cannot allow a child to fall off his Nuna chair as he has already hit the ground off the Ikea ladder few days before. Too much Swedish design will clearly get to his head. So he started wining on the ground trying to hit his head against the ground due to frustration. Well, I was on the floor to get the hit, so wherever he would try to fall to impress me he would hit me. He became even more frustrated and began to throw his own toys around. Then he gave up surrounded by his toys. It was one of those moments when I decided to give up the battle. I could have allowed him to climb a bit, but still, he didn’t even get over the bruise on the cheek and he might have earned another one. I am sure he will try more climbing, but he will know I don’t give in to tantrums and he will weigh better the reactions of his actions.
Sometimes I need to find a way to “persuade” him even to do his manicure. He has already a strong personality, but his stubbornness makes it even worse. Still I have used blackmail for his milk bottle to get his approval for cutting his nails. It is not the most fair, but otherwise I didn’t have the power to convince the little gambler I have good intentions.
At the playground he used to get other kid’s toys and run off with them. Now he has managed to overcome that period: he borrows them, he exchanges them with other toys in his hands, he lets go of them. He has learned he is strongly supported in his actions to test new toys if he also understands he needs to let them go to the true owner. At some point I realized that if I were to get him even the most beautiful bike, he would still find the ones in the park better. Also I want him to wish for something and work for it. Otherwise he will become a spoiled kid and I don’t want that. I wish for him very strongly to understand that not everything he sees can become his own. I have tried with hugs and a lot of explanations to make him see why certain toys cannot go home with him. He now seems to understand only with words when he doesn’t need to insist in holding certain toys.
At his evening bathtub we have taught him that we need to stop the water so we are not running out of hot water. And although it is not far from the truth, I have decided to use such an argument because there is a blinking light and that catches his attentions. Well, this evening, as I was emptying the bathtub and then filling it for his bath, the little one showed me the blinking light making me aware we will run out of the resource. Well done kiddo! You rock! Mommy can ignore that rule. I couldn’t actually explain to him the high level of water was actually the problem and that level made me stop the water from falling further. The danger to him was not as fascinating as the blinking light. I love seeing him think the situations through and he understands through links certain concepts. It means I cannot think less of him and I need to carefully negotiate the take offs and give ins.
And if sometimes blackmail works, there are also moments when I need to let go because it may turn against me. He knows he goes out for a walk if he takes his vitamins. If I try to give him the vitamins before he is fully ready, he will go and comfortably sit in his playground house. So it is also important to pick our battles right: when and how we use blackmail. We may pick a wrong moment when he would give up his deepest wishes.
I try to teach him that no matter if he is right or not, sometimes in life he needs to let go. Now I try to find the limit where he needs to let go and where he shouldn’t. As I come to think about it I cannot always tell him he is right, as he is not always fair, I cannot teach him to be the weakest, but I wish for him to be well balanced and to realize if the battle is worth it or not. So the final purpose and what he may win by his conquest. He may win the car he momentarily desires, but he will not have the friendship of that kid in the future. I believe his battles or ours must carefully be weighed. With the pacifier or without, with less cries, it’s best to pick our battles right and learn that sometimes it’s best we let them work their minds off, even if they are wrong they will still learn something.
